This time from the medical establishment

(In memory of Mike)

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The patient was examined, X-rated and sent home.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.

The bugs that grew out of her urine were cultured in Casualty and are not available. I WILL FIND THEM!!!

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Do you know why they are wrong? Do you know what they should have said? Do you know of any more medical howlers? Discuss it on the forum.
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